FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
December 21, 2024

DEPARTMENT OF INTERPERSONAL AFFAIRS ANNOUNCES GROUNDBREAKING AUTOMATED RELATIONSHIP TRACKING SYSTEM

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The newly established Department of Interpersonal Affairs (DIA) is proud to announce the implementation of the National Relationship Intelligence System (NRIS), a revolutionary program that automatically detects, classifies, and monitors all interpersonal relationships through advanced mobile device tracking and artificial intelligence.

Starting January 1, 2025, all Americans’ romantic relationships will be automatically assigned a unique 16-digit Relationship Identification Number (RIN) based on comprehensive analysis of their smartphone location data, messaging patterns, heart rate variations, and social media interactions. This innovative system eliminates the need for manual relationship registration by leveraging the power of ubiquitous surveillance.

“Love shouldn’t be complicated – it should be automatically detected, classified, and monitored,” said Richard Bureaucraft, Secretary of Interpersonal Affairs. “With the new RIN system, we’re bringing the efficiency of social media algorithms to your love life.”

Key Features of the NRIS:

• Real-time relationship status updates based on proximity patterns and text message sentiment analysis
• Automatic detection of potential romantic connections through cross-referenced location data
• AI-powered measurement of relationship health through voice stress analysis during phone calls
• Predictive breakup alerts based on changes in communication frequency and emoji usage
• Automated classification of “just friends” vs. “more than friends” using machine learning
• Blockchain verification of relationship timelines
• Neural network detection of potential infidelity through anomalous location patterns

The DIA has established a new Advanced Relationship Monitoring Center (ARMC) where AI systems continuously process data from millions of smartphones to maintain an up-to-date national relationship database.

“Gone are the days of relationship uncertainty,” explained Deputy Secretary Jane Redtape. “Our quantum computing systems can now determine your relationship status with 99.9% accuracy before you even know you’re in one.”

The system includes specialized algorithms for modern relationship scenarios:

• Friends with Benefits Detection Protocol (Pattern FWB-101)
• Situationship Classification Algorithm (Pattern SIT-202)
• Ghost Prediction System (Pattern GPP-404)
• Dating App Success Probability Calculator (Pattern DAP-303)

The department emphasizes that all relationship statuses are now automatically updated in real-time. The “talking phase” is detected within 72 hours of the first Instagram DM, and “exclusive” status is automatically confirmed through analysis of shared location patterns and changes in social media behavior.

Citizens need not take any action, as all relationship data is continuously collected through their existing digital footprint. Those attempting to evade relationship monitoring by using flip phones or meeting in person without mobile devices may be flagged for suspicious behavior.

For more information about how your personal data is being used to track your love life, visit www.dia.gov/love-surveillance.

Contact:
Office of Public Affairs
Department of Interpersonal Affairs
(202) xxx-xxxx
[email protected]

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Note: This press release has been automatically generated and approved by the Neural Network for Bureaucratic Communications (NNBC-555) and the Artificial Intelligence Redundancy Intelligence.

This is also satire to show how absurd it is to create newer and newer ids to track citizens like the new Apaar id announced by the Government of India.

Also mainly written by Claude.ai